The Way I Loved You
by theblairbitchprojectt
Summary: Blair is left devastated after the loss of her baby, making old problems return. Everyone wants to help but is the saying "you can't help those who don't want help" true? Filled with heartbreak, romance, drama, humor and love. *I suck at summaries. *chair
1. A Thousand Years

_Hey Everyone :)  
This is my first fanfiction and I must say I'm quite excited. I suck at summaries so sorry about that. This chapter is a lot shorter than all my other ones that range between 5-10k words. This story takes place after the accident where Blair Lost her baby. Louis and her do not get married. This story is filled with heartbreak, drama, romance, comedy and just about anything you can think of. I'm sorry if I got any medical details wrong, just leave a review and I'll correct it. I did my research just in case. I hope you enjoy it :)_

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_**We all like to think that we're in the driver's seat of our own lives. But the truth is, the idea that we can control our fate is an illusion. You can choose the most loyal friends, the dream job, the truest love. But at the end of the day, our fate is decided for us. All we can do is hope we have the strength to cope with the hand she deals us.**_

"_The baby was the only thing keeping us together Blair, it was the only reason I was willing to make it work with us and your stupid obsession with Chuck, it was our last hope and you killed it, literally" Louis said with venom in his voice. _

_Blair laid in the hospital bed with tears streaming down her face. She absent mindedly placed her hand where her future daughter or son once was. She couldn't believe the words coming out of her fiancée's mouth. She wanted to scream and kick and just numb every emotion she was feeling, she wanted to disappear and stop time, but Louis had other plans._

"_If you hadn't been so immature and selfish our baby would be okay, and we'd be one step closer to our wedding, but all that is gone, I'm done Blair, I can't even look at you anymore." He said with his eyes shut tightly. He took a deep breath and walked out the door._

Blair kept replaying the conversation in her head over and over.

It had been two weeks since he said those cruel words to her, which meant her baby had been dead for 14 days now.

_Her baby._

"_Serena, what's going on?" Blair asked hazily, her head was pounding and she felt beyond nauseous. _

"_You were in a car accident with Chuck, B" Serena said slowly as if each word was a bomb blasting Blair's body._

_Before she could respond a tall, dark haired doctor walked in, and made his way to Blair's side._

"_Ms. Waldorf, I'm glad to see you awake, you really scared us, I'm just sorry we couldn't do more." He said while looking down at the floor._

"_What do you mean?" Blair asked confused._

"_Blair, you had a miscarriage. The baby didn't make it, we tried our best to save it, I'm so sorry" _

_Blair vision clouded over, tears silently pouring down her face. Serena gasped in horror and grabbed her best friend's hand tightly._

"_B…I'm so sorry" She managed to choke out._

Blair shut her eyes and let herself fall back into her pillows.

Her innocent baby died because of her. Because she was selfish and stupid, because instead of protecting her baby she was 'following her heart'.

She was supposed to be a good mother. She was going to be different, she was going to love her baby till the ends of the world, and she was going to give it all the love her mom never did.

She reached under her pillow and grabbed the scrap book she has started a few weeks before the accident. She had her positive pregnancy test and a few ultra sound pictures in there. That was as far as she got before she fucked everything up.

She ran her fingers over the pictures and admired the once healthy heart beat her baby carried.

How could she be so stupid? How did she manage to fuck her perfect fairytale up so bad?

She laid in fetal position and held the scrap book close to her stomach.

She was desperate to feel something other than the pain that invaded her body.

"I'm so sorry" she whispered to herself. "I'm so sorry I let you down baby"

"I was going to try and be the best mother I could be, without any help, any breaks, anything that would keep you away from me, I was going to stay up late and feed you, I wouldn't have cared if you threw up on my designer dresses, I would teach you everything you wanted to know, I would give you all the hugs and kisses in the world, I would do anything to just know that you're still inside me" she let out a muffled cry and threw the scrap book out of frustration.

She got up and slowly made her way to her full body length mirror and slowly placed her trembling hands on her still slightly visible tiny baby bump. She was 4.5 months along when the accident happened and her baby bump had just started showing.

Was nature really that cruel? That even after losing her baby it refused to get rid of the little pouch it once held it in.

Tears ran down her face as she ran her hands over her stomach.

She didn't understand how losing someone she never knew could hurt her so much.

For the longest time Blair had self image problems. Starving for days at a time and throwing up after every meal. She thought she was over all that. She had matured and grown up and she was finally happy with herself.

She quietly made her way to her bathroom, shut the door, and turned on the faucet, and lifted the toilet seat.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, every inch of sanity she had in her body left in that moment.

She took for finger and did the one thing she had always been good at, she stuck it down her throat and let nature take its course.

The relief she felt was bliss. It was the first time in two weeks that she felt calm and in control. It was cut short by a noise downstairs that meant someone was home. She quickly flushed the toilet and turned off the water.

She ran to her bed and grabbed the first magazine in sight.

Almost immediately, Dorota walked in with a tray of food.

"Miss Blair, time for your lunch" she said cheerily while setting the tray on the bed.

"Thank you Dorota, but I'm not hungry right now" she said without bothering to look up.

"Miss Blair, you need to eat, it's not good for-"

"Its not good for what Dorota? The baby? Well _the baby_ is gone, I don't need to eat every 4 hours anymore, I don't need to do anything for anyone other than myself anymore" She yelled after cutting Dorota off leaving her stunned.

"It's no good for _you_ Miss Blair, you need to be strong and healthy" She said quietly.

Blair huffed at her comment and proceeded "Last time I checked you weren't a doctor"

"No, but I am mama not your mama by blood, but close enough. I no like seeing you like this Miss Blair"

"I am _fine_ Dorota, just trust me" she said going back to reading her magazine.

Dorota sighed, giving up and left the room.

Who was Blair kidding? She wasn't meant to be a mom. She could never be a mom. She would end up with the same fate as her mother, not that she was a bad mom, just not the best. Blair Waldorf had to be the best at everything.

But at this, she failed. She failed at the one thing every women should be able to do.

A beeping sound knocked Blair out of her thoughts.

_**Hey Upper East Siders. Gossip Girl here. Things have been kind of dull without Queen B. It's been two weeks since her last appearance. Guess she's taking the loss of her little prince or princess pretty hard. Our condolences, B. You know you love me, XOXO, Gossip Girl.**_

Blair decided that tomorrow she would go shopping for girdles and anything that would make the bump unseen. She was done moping around.

The Old Blair Waldorf was back.

But is_ old_ really the new, _new_?

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**Well there it is, what did you think?**

**Reviews are appreciated :) **


	2. Innocent

_**Apparently this chapter wasn't appearing for some viewers, lets try it again :)**_

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"I _can't_ live like this Nathaniel" Chuck said through gritted teeth while slamming his fist down on his beloved pool table.

"You really need to calm down man, she'll come around" Nate said, shocked by the madness evident in his best friend's eyes.

"_No one_ has heard from her since the accident, Serena can't even get her to answer her damn phone. Eleanor is convinced she needs time 'to lick her wounds' whatever the hell that means, and my PI informed me that Louis and his mother are in Monaco, how is it okay then her _fiancée _is in Monaco after the loss of their _baby?"_ He said with his eyes shut and voice laced with venom.

"Blair is a strong girl, before we know it she's going to be shopping for this seasons newest headbands and inviting us over to watch Breakfast At Tiffany's, she just needs to accept things and move on, she's getting married in less than two months after all" Nate said while pouring himself and Chuck another drink.

The word _marriage _hit Chuck like a dagger to the chest; he still couldn't wrap the thought of losing her around his head.

Chuck thought back to the last time he saw Blair, which was after the accident. He remembered the absolute fear he felt. Fear was an emotion that Chuck Bass had never felt before, but the thought of losing Blair was enough to knock the wind out of him.

He hadn't been injured badly; just a few cuts here and there. His only thought was Blair and her baby. The fact that the doctors wouldn't say a word to him made him want to kill anyone near him. He came close to punching Nate several times even though he was only trying to help.

The desperation in his voice was evident every time he tried to pay off a doctor or nurse to no avail.

When Eleanor finally pulled him aside to inform him of the miscarriage every emotion he had been holding back finally caught up with him and he lost it. He walked away taking deep breaths and the conversation he had with Blair earlier that night flooded his thoughts.

"_I had it all wrong, just because Louis is the father of your baby doesn't mean you should be with him, you should be with me"_

"_Why?"_

"_Because I'm going to love your baby as much as I love you"_

They were finally going to get their happy ending. They were going to raise her baby together, as a couple.

Now all that was long gone.

Every time he replayed the limo ride it felt like a dream. He remembered the way Blair's eyes lit up when he offered to take her anywhere. He remembered the way she held onto his hand and looked so sure of what she wanted. They laughed and they cried, they were ready this time. They were finally going to commit to each other and raise another life.

A familiar beep went off and both Nate and Chuck ran to their phones.

_**Well well well,**__** Upper East Siders, I got my answer after all. There once was a Princess B, undone by the following; **__**Adieu Louis! The royal engagement is officially off. Prince Grimaldi released a press statement from Monaco confirming the separation. When it rains, it pours. Keep your umbrella high B. You know you love me. XOXO, Gossip Girl.**_

"Did I just read that right?" Nate finally said, stunned.

"He wouldn't dare" Chuck said slowly in a tone that the devil would even be afraid of. "She just lost _their_ baby and he _left_ her?" He continued, clearly outraged.

Nate shook his head, not being able to believe the words he had just read. "So much for being prince charming."

"I have to talk to her" Chuck said suddenly, pacing around the room trying to gather his things.

Nate quickly snapped into action and stepped in front of him, knowing that that very move could cost him a broken nose, but not caring.

"Are you sure that's what she needs right now? I want to be there for her just as much as you, but not only did she lose her baby Chuck, now she lost him too"

Chuck took a deep breath annoyed at his words and stepped aside.

"What am I suppose to do? Just sit here and wait for her to come talk to me? You know damn well that's never going to happen, this is _Blair _we're talking about. You dated her since you were in Kindergarten and you still don't know the first thing about her. Blair doesn't talk, she deals with things. I'm not going to let her deal with this alone"

"Look man, calm down. All I'm saying is to give her a day or two, Gossip Girl just posted the blast, let it die down a bit, in the meantime I'll get Serena to try and see what's going on, in a day or two, we can both go see her and offer to take her out to eat, something simply and friendly. We can reunite as the Non Judging Breakfast Club" He finished with a slight grin.

Chuck thought to himself for a moment. Nate was right, she would probably refuse to see him right now anyways, she would put on her strong front and say that she's fine. Fighting against the urge to run to Blair's penthouse and just take her into his arms, he came to a conclusion.

"Fine, call Serena and have her look into it, call me as soon as she knows something. I have business to take care of" He said while walking into the elevator. "Two days Nathaniel" he let out before the elevator doors closed.

Nate slumped down on the couch relieved that today was not going to be the day that Chuck got arrested for breaking and entering into the Waldorf premises.

He reread the Gossip Girl blast still finding it hard to believe that the so called prince that was madly in love with Blair and marrying her in less than two months had left her.

Nate grew up believing that he would end up with Blair, and that they would be the traditional couple that everyone expected them to be. He loved Blair, but he didn't love her in the way that she wanted, even then, Nate would never leave Blair at a time like this.

Blair was always there for everyone, even the people that didn't deserve it. In her own way, she was always listening and observing and when the time came, she knew exactly what to say to make everything better again. She was the bandaide of the group; she always put everyone back together, even while struggling with her own pieces.

He sighed in frustration and dialed Serena's number.

The line rang until her voice message finally came on, "**Hey it's Serena, I can't take your call right now but leave me a message and I'll get back to you, BEEP."**

"**Hey S, I need you to do me a favor that involves checking up on Blair. Chuck & I just read the GG blast and he didn't take it very well. He's giving us two days before he goes and talks to her himself. Call me back soon"**

He put down his phone and laid still on the couch. If anyone would've told him that this is how their life was going to be two years ago, he would've punched them.

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Blair had slept in longer than usual today; her phone being the only thing that woke her up.

She quickly felt around her bed trying to find her phone with her eyes still closed. She sat up slightly, wondering what Gossip Girl would provide today.

Her eyes scanned the blast, reading each world carefully but quickly. Her eyeballs grew wide in horror as she realized the blast was about her and Louis's separation. She didn't expect Louis to come running back to her, but she most certainly did not expect for him to release a statement confirming it.

She sat still, processing the fact that everyone knew that her fiancée had left her a mere two months before the wedding. Blair couldn't help but feel embarrassed and ashamed.

She could see it now, everyone on campus whispering to themselves and calling Blair all sorts of names and blaming her for what happened. Everyone would take Louis side; after all it was his fiancée who was running off with Chuck Bass to raise a baby.

_Chuck._

The very thought of his name sent chills through her body. It numbed her in a way that she had grown to hate. During these last two weeks she had done everything in her power to not think about him at all. She refused to answer his texts and calls; she banned him from her home. She ignored Nate because she knew that he was Chuck's little spy, soon after she started ignoring Serena for the same reason.

It was almost impossible to get away from him.

The first day back from the hospital she couldn't help but think about him, the guilt that came over her was consuming. Instead of mourning her dead child, she was still thinking about the man she was trying to run away with.

In her mind the accident was a sign. She kept hurting Chuck, in ways she never meant to. The car accident could've cost him his life, and that was one reality she could not deal with. She loved Chuck more than she could ever understand. The love she felt for him grew more and more each day. With him, she felt powerful and invincible. She could take on the world with him by her side. She felt like his equal. He was everything to her, and although he made mistakes in the past that still made her cringe, she could forgive him. Because the love she has for him allows her to understand that he is human and that he isn't perfect and that he will mess up, something she didn't have in other relationships.

When she was with Nate she expected him to be perfect. She wanted him to be a perfect gentleman who always knew what to say and only had eyes for her. She now realized that those expectations were exactly what hurt her. She always felt let down by him for not achieving them, but now she knew that they were unrealistic.

Chuck was just different. Ever since the night they made love for the first time, something inside her changed for him, something that she had hidden from herself. She always thought of Chuck as her ill minded alcohol loving, womanizing friend. But somewhere along the lines she had fallen in love with him and him with her.

When she saw Chuck, all she saw was the little things nobody noticed about him. Like the way he was obsessed with his bow ties being completely straight, or how he sometimes read literature when he was feeling down. She didn't see Chuck as the pig she once thought him to be. In reality, Chuck had always been more of a best friend to her than Serena and Nate both combined.

He always knew what to say and how to say it, and then he would add in a signature Chuck Bass statement and make everything okay again. Even though Chuck always drowned his thoughts in alcohol and weed, he never let Blair do it. He insisted that she talk about things and think them through.

_One night, Blair and Nate had just gotten into a big fight over Serena, again. He stormed out and left Blair alone in tears. He called Blair obsessive and paranoid and said he needed space from her. He went on and on about how they couldn't have a relationship without trust. She wanted to trust him, but Blair knew in her heart that something was going on, and she hated it. _

_Apparently Nate had called Chuck and asked him where he was after he left Blair's house, he told him about his fight with Blair and how he needed to get away for the night. Chuck told him he had somewhere to be but that he would meet up with him later. _

"_Put the bottle down Waldorf, it isn't going to fix anything" He said while walking into her house at the exact moment she was trying to build the courage to down a fifth of Vodka._

_She fixed her eyes on him, "it fixes all your problems" _

"_That's not true. Alcohol isn't the answer; it just makes you forget the question." He said simply._

That night he canceled with Nate and stayed at Blair's to watch Breakfast at Tiffany's, they played cards and just talked. They talked about the stupidest things, but to them, it was calming.

Chuck was the love of her life and she needed him. Their love was inevitable and consuming, often torturous, but he made her happy.

"_Stop thinking about Chuck" she mentally chastised herself._

She looked around and couldn't help but cringe, she was tired of sitting in this room all day. Gossip Girl already knew the big news, what else did she have to lose?

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**_Hey guys, sorry i took so long with this chapter :( i just graduated high school so its been a hectic few weeks._**

**_I hope you enjoy this chapter, remember to review :D_**


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